Here is a timeline of my experience.
My expected period was supposed to be July 4th. It never came.
I was having light period cramps from July 4th all the way until the weekend which was the 9th & 10th.
July 9th I got a BFP on a at home pregnancy test!!!
Monday the 11th, I woke up in the middle of the night with excruciating cramps for about 30minutes. I couldn't find my heating pad and I wasn't about to take ibuprofen so I just tried to sleep through it.
Wednesday the 13th, I felt terrible ALL day. My back was hurting, my body ached, and it took everything in me to get through clinicals that day. I felt like I had the flu. I got home and crawled into bed and fell asleep for about 2 hours. I woke up absolutely freezing. I felt so terrible. I didn't have a thermometer but I know without a doubt I was running a high fever. I didn't have any medication I could take so I just suffered through it. When it came time to sleep, I unbundled myself and slept in a big t-shirt, shorts and slept outside of the blankets to try and cool myself off.
Thursday the 14th, I woke up bright and early at 4:45am to get ready for clinicals. I felt great! I was so happy to be feeling better. As usual, I brushed my teeth and then I went to the bathroom and there it was. Blood. My heart sank to my feet. The thoughts running through my head were unbearable. I could not miss clinicals so there was nothing I could do. I calmed myself and said "this could be normal. I know some women experience bleeding in their first trimester. This does not mean the worst." I had no cramping, no other symptoms other than spotting. I continued to bleed for the rest of the day but as the day progressed, it was getting lighter and lighter and by the end of the day there was barely any blood. I was feeling really positive at this point. That was until I woke up this morning.
Friday the 15th, I woke up with my panty liner filled with blood. Much more than the day before but still not entirely an alarming amount. Again, I had clinicals and since I was still not experiencing any cramping, I went along with my day. Shae and I decided that if I was still bleeding Saturday then we would get up first thing in the morning and go to the hospital. I think I had in my mind a sense of panic but tried to stay as calm as possible. I was trying my hardest to think positively but I just KNEW something was wrong. I could feel it. I just refused to admit it. I couldn't bare to say the words out loud. But I knew.
Saturday the 16th, I woke up still bleeding. We immediately got up and went to the hospital. We were there by 8am and so I was seen rather quickly. They gave me an IV, got my stats & vitals, drew my blood and the doctor came and spoke with us. He was very upfront with us about how bleeding can be very normal for some women and other times, it can be a miscarriage. He told me he was going to perform a pelvic exam and that if there was any signs that my cervix was opened or there was clotting or pieces of tissue then he was going to rule it as a miscarriage. He did the pelvic exam. He said everything looked absolutely normal!! Oh the relief and happiness I felt was so amazing. He said there was some old blood but my cervix was closed and there were no clots or pieces of tissue. Shae and I were SO so relieved. We had a little peace of mind at this point. We were discharged and on our way we went. But this relief didn't last long. We went to go get some lunch and this is when the cramping began and the panic really started to set in. I was not experiencing any cramping prior to the hospital visit. It wasn't anything alarming but they were dull/light period cramps and as if the bleeding wasn't terrifying enough, I was now having another warning sign of a miscarriage. Shae's birthday BBQ/party was this night and I was determined to not make a huge deal out of this and let him enjoy his night. Not only was I going through this, but our mom's got their package with their onesie to announce our pregnancy. My mom was over the moon and was crying and so excited. I let her have her excitement before I had to tell her some worrying news. I called my brother, my grandma, my dad... Shae's family knew at this point. Everyone knew! And let me tell you, it was very hard to be as excited as everyone was when the fear was eating at me. I only wish we could have been as excited and enjoying the moment as much as they were when they found out but truthfully, I was crushed inside fearing the worst. As the night progressed, the bleeding was becoming more and more. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over but refused to say it out loud to anyone. I just couldn't do it. Then came the small clots. Complete panic set in. Trapped. I couldn't stop what was happening. There was nothing I could do. Shae's BBQ began and I was glued to the couch on my heating pad to help with the pain of the cramps. As the night progressed, I would get one long excruciating cramp that would last for about 30 seconds and then it would pass. I'm assuming this was "labor" as my body was getting ready to pass the baby. I was a mess this entire night but put on a happy face for my husband and our friends. I spent the evening getting congratulated and I spent the evening in fear but still not letting it show. I just kept repeating in my head "this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening!!!" Shae passed out and everyone left around 3am. I was exhausted and so tired. I fell asleep and woke up about 2 hours later, went to the bathroom and passed a very large clot. That's when I knew. This is when I knew what had happened. What WAS happening. I crawled back into bed and fell back asleep knowing there was nothing I could do.
Sunday the 17th, I woke up and went to the bathroom only to find that I had miscarried my baby. I wrapped it on a piece of tissue to save it and then I broke down. I fell to my knees. I cried. I ugly cried. My heart shattered into one million pieces. I wanted to hit everything. I wanted to crawl in a ball and not move. It was over. All of it. Just gone. The rest of the day was a blur. We went to the hospital. More blood draws. Another pelvic exam. Lots of blood. Tears that wouldn't stop. Pieces of my heart that were still scattered on the floor. A constant ache in my chest. Waiting room. Telling several people at the hospital why I was there. "I miscarried this morning." Do you know how hard it is to get those words without losing your shit and keeping your composure? Screaming and crying kids made me cry. Seeing pregnant women made me cry. There are no words to describe this experience. Absolutely none.
Monday the 18th, I skipped class. I went to the hospital to get another blood draw to check my HCG levels. They dropped. A lot. Had to go to the OB clinic. Cried when I saw the happy couples expecting. They were all going for an ultrasound and I was there because I lost my baby. I was alone. The halls were quiet but my mind was racing. It was so damn loud. Again, a lot of it is a blur. I came home from the doctors, to a package on my doorstep. I knew what this package was. It was our baby onesie announcement.
I miss our first Baby A so much. It's been just over 2 weeks since it happened and today would have marked 8 weeks of pregnancy for me. It still hurts but I am coping. There are nights like tonight where I can't sleep and there are days and moments where I break down. There are times where I walk over to my pregnancy test and this baby onesie and just hold it tight. I stare at them both and wonder why and wonder the "what if's." I will never understand why my body was incapable of doing the one thing it was genetically made to do.
So many people do not know and I'm sure there are so many women and couples who have gone through the same thing but choose to not speak about it or tell people about it. Who knows if anyone will ever see this. Maybe nobody will. Maybe someone will stumble across this and realize that they are far from alone.
My heart carries such a huge place for you baby A, and one day I will meet you again. I love you more than there are words and I miss you even more than that. I wish I could have provided you with a chance at life. Just know that I think of you every single day and that you are so, so loved.
